So what has been going on Here all day, ben ?
I've been moving Stuff around.
I know, but why ?
I'm looking for My birth certificate,
And i called you, like, Three times today,
And you wouldn't-- You weren't available.
Did you look in my files ?
I did look in The file cabinet.
Did you look under "Ben: important documents" ?
I saw that.
That was in The subsection of "ben."
Did you see "ben: Not-so-important documents" ?
I saw that.
Yeah, it wasn't In there.
Did you see "Ben: to be filed" ?
I did not-- i didn't find it In any of the files.
But i did find this Picture that i can't get over.
Look at this. Oh, my god.
I haven't seen this For about 25 years.
Who is that ?
That's sharon koppleman.
Remember i told you about Koppleman and katz ?
We were a folk act. Oh, right, right.
Oh, that's sharon.
She was my partner, and she Was my partner in life.
She was my old lady,
As they used to say In those days.
What do you mean, What do you mean by that ?
We were into some Very heavy stuff.
What ? Some what ?
For 3½ years she was My main squeeze.
We were lovers.
You were lovers ? Yeah.
Isn't there another Word for that
That wouldn't Make me so nauseous ?
I was her old man.
I'm your old man now, But then i was her old man.
Yeah.
Different times.
See, i thought You were just-- Yeah.
We both played the guitar, Acoustic guitar.
But we did The whole circuit.
We were good.
We would do The folk clubs,
We did demonstrations, Sit-ins.
Just tell me One thing, dad--
You guys didn't snap Instead of clap ?
'Cause i hate that.
No, we never did that. Good.
I mean, she looks a little Crazy in the eyes.
In the '60s, We all stayed up late.
You know what i'm saying ?
Yeah, got the crazy eyes.
It was such a different Time for everybody--
Whenever i see a picture Of you from back then, dad,
It looks like you were Trying too hard
To be one of those People who was freewheeling
And carefree and all The "free" words.
Well, it's not Easy to do that.
That's a big belt, dad, You know ?
Not in proposition To my collar.
And nobody wore A bra in those days. Really ?
They were all burnt.
Well, she used to Preheat her bra.
She sort of hedged The issue, you know ?
So, laura, i don't know if i Ever told you this--
When i was in college, I was half of a folk act.
Koppleman and katz.
Did you ever Hear of them ? Mmm...
We used to have this Very cute little way
Of introducing ourselves.
We would say To the audience--
I'd go, "she's koppleman."
And she'd go, "He's katz !"
And then she'd say, "I'm koppleman !"
And i'd say, "i'm katz.
"We're koppleman and katz.
That's that's."
Yeah, it was cute.
And you can-- Feel free to say no,
But i would love it
If you would just for one Very sentimental moment for me,
If you-- when i say, "She's koppleman,"
If you'd Just say, "he's katz."
Seriously ?
Yep, would you Do that for me ?
I'm gonna say "She's koppleman."
She's koppleman.
Then you go, "he's katz."
He's katz.
Let's try it again.
She's koppleman.
He's katz.
And now say, "I'm koppleman."
( Sighs )
And that's all I'm gonna ask.
Please.
It would mean a lot to me.
I've got about Three minutes
Before my first Patient shows up.
Just say, "i'm koppleman."
I'm koppleman.
I'm katz.
We're koppleman and katz.
And that's that's.
Are we done ?
I'm pretty happy.
I don't why i'm here-- I don't know.
I have a wife, I have two kids.
I just feel like i have no one To share it with.
I'm trying to Be a good father.
There's some proud moments.
My daughter's Three years old.
She's gone six months now Without a cigarette.
mazel tov.
And i try to get involved-- It's very important.
I change the cat box Before my kids play in it.
Y'know, my wife is a feminist, Always competing with me.
She says, "men are inferior
Because they can't Carry life in their belly."
Yeah, i had a tapeworm This big.
It looked just like me.
A little balding worm With glasses.
I raised him Like a son.
Little boober.
Y'know, when we first got Married, we agreed:
No cheating on one another,
Unless our wildest Fantasy could come true.
So we wrote them down on Little pieces of paper.
She picked kevin costner, And i picked cindy crawford.
So after a year went by,
I said, "honey, why don't We update the list ?"
So she picked brad pitt, And i picked our baby-sitter.
And i won, and she won't Accept that.
I thought maybe Between patients
I'd pick a little... A little guitar.
You know why i'm gonna Pick a little guitar ?
Why ?
* 'Cause i'm just A guitar-picking fool *
* Fresh out of guitar-picking School *
That's a song We used to do. Really ?
* Looking for A guitar-picking gal *
* I'll bet my guitar-picking Life *
* She'll be my Guitar-picking wife *
* And we will pick our guitars Teeth and drool *
Sing this with me-- go--
* Sometimes you know-- *
Okay, what do you think ?
And be honest with me.
Um, i just-- I don't like folk music.
No ? No, not really.
Just whenever I listen to folk music,
I just-- it's just So grating.
Y'know, don't put A label on it.
I mean, don't put that Label on it if you hate it.
It's just the kind of Thing that,
After you listen to It for a little while,
All you can think of Is "shut up."
Just shut up.
Yeah, but what we did then--
* And the trees And the flowers *
* And the children
* And the people And the... *
Oh, sure, I hate that stuff too.
I'm with you.
It's too trilly.
Why do they Do that ?
That was considered at The time... Intense.
That very fast vibrato.
What we now Consider annoying,
They used to call Intense.
But a lot of men Think i'm really hot.
I can't really help that.
It's not really something I can control, i find--
My hotness and my heat.
And it's my incredible Figure--
Like i need that-- And my personality,
Which is such a threatening Package.
It's the only reason I can think of that i'm alone.
Y'know, i was trying to Figure out the way
To get the right guy,
And, oh, i should go with A more professional man
Or a younger man Or older man.
And my new category is: Guys whose families are dead.
Y'know, i'm looking for a Bosnian love connection,
Because i can't deal With the families anymore.
I have to keep going to
One war-torn country After the next
And find The dead-guy family-guy
Who's hunky and sensitive And can appreciate me.
Y'know, i'm also Really into lyle menendez...
I remember that.
... Whose parents are dead, So that's a start.
I don't know.
Maybe it's me, but i just Think he's got something.
And i suppose You would probably say
That i'm just setting Myself up again
For a-- quote-- "Unavailable man."
But i think he's Very bright.
He went to princeton.
He didn't do So well there,
But he had to kill his parents His junior year.
And i think everything Will work out really well,
As long as i don't Make him mad.
'Cause you know How he can be.
But that's cool.
We all go through Phases--
Oh, like you've Never had a day
When you wanted to kill your Parents and reload.
Come on.
Dr. Katz, i'm gonna need you To hold me for this next part.
Yeah, i don't think that's Such a good idea, kathy.
If we could spoon And i could be on the inside ?
And why do you get to Be on the inside ? Because i'm small.
It makes me feel Small and feminine.
It's the same reason i like to Be picked up and carried,
And also maybe thrown up Into the air and caught,
But not in An aggressive way,
But in a playful way
That's a little bit Threatening, but not very.
I also like to be Bench-pressed
And i like to punch guys Really hard in the stomach,
When they've maybe Done some ab work
And they're really Proud of it,
And they say, "Come on, hit me."
And i say, "oh, honey, no."
And i'll give 'em A little-girl punch,
And they'll go, "come on, Don't insult me.
"Hit me ! Come on, harder !
"You can do better Than that !
Come on, hit me !"
And then i hit 'em Really hard,
And then they act Like it didn't hurt,
But i go right for The windpipe.
What ?( Ben ) Let me ask you A quick question.
Is my dad acting a little Odd today ?
He didn't make you sing the Koppleman-katz thing, did he ?
Mm-hmm.
I did it too.
* I'm koppleman
* And he's katz
* I'm koppleman
* He's katz
* You're annoying
* And i'm your son *
Remember ? Yeah.
Hey, you wouldn't wanna Do it with me, would you ? No.
* I'm katz
( Sighs )
Doctor, maybe i should Join a subculture
And just be in a biker gang.
Although if you're Actually in one,
You call it a club.
It sounds good. It does.
To be saying, "I joined a new club.
It's a biker club/gang."
I don't know-- i kind of Have a fantasy about that,
Where i just don't have to Worry anymore
And i'm on the back Of some guy's harley
And he has, like, a name--
You know how biker people Don't have their real name--
Their name is never Jaime or something.
So his biker name Would be, like, trouble.
And i gotta call him trouble,
'Cause where trouble goes, I follow.
And he's a freak,
'Cause i enjoy The freaks so much.
Yeah, why that Type of man ?
I just like The freaky men,
The men that are askew In some way,
The men that don't Bow down to the man.
Y'know, the nonconformist Freak, the freakazoids.
How do you think Your parents will feel
When you bring Home trouble ?
Oh, my parents would be so-- They'd hate trouble.
This is really about getting Back at your parents.
You're so angry At them for something.
Kathy, let's try something.
Let's do A little role-playing.
I'll play the part Of your father.
Introduce me. "Dad, this is trouble.
Don't give him Any of your lip."
"Hi, trouble."
And maybe i'll Call him daddy-o.
"Hey, daddy-o, what gives ? What's the jig ?
Trouble's gonna cut you."
"Honey, can you get trouble Something to drink ?
Trouble, What would you like ?"
All right, at this point my Mom would be passed out.
I'm just saying.
And how would your Mother react ?
What's she like ? She's very nurturing,
And she's also in a huge, Huge amount of denial,
So she would--
And trouble would be Standing there before her
With the leather vest And the tattoos
And the gut hanging out,
But when she looked at him, She would see a nine iron
And the shorts And then the print golf shirt.
She would see basically A young jack nicklaus,
Their dream match for me.
* Way back in '68
* We thought We saw the light *
* We stood for what We stood for *
* 'Cause we all Knew wrong from right *
Wow.
* We went to lots Of meetings *
* And we talked Of war and hate *
Just to show you how long ago I wrote this--
* But now we're Closing in on 30 *
* And we've started getting Straight *
Which had a different Meaning in those days.
And then it goes--
* Hey diddle diddle diddle Hey diddle... *
Y'know, i was actually--
I'm still looking for The birth certificate,
And i can't find it.
Did you try the shoebox ?
I didn't try the shoebox,
But i got stuck in The crawlspace.
I checked the closet,
And i'll tell you Something, dad,
I did find a lot More hippie stuff,
Like a lot of the sharon-era Stuff.
What stuff did you find ?
I found a couple of patches.
Y'know, like patches For your clothes.
I found a couple Peace-sign necklaces,
And then i found a "keep on Truckin'" bumper sticker.
Y'know, the peace signs--
Y'know, with those Peace signs--
One was mine And one was sharon's.
They were really engagement Rings, those--
The peace signs ? Only hipper.
You know what i mean ? No.
I don't speak Your lingo, dad.
You were gonna Get married ?
Had things worked out.
If i had gone with her to California...
You would have Married her ?
We very likely could Have become
Husband and wife.
Why didn't you go ?
I just didn't wanna admit
That i didn't know How to drive a stick.
I got married this year.
( Dr. Katz ) That's great, jeff.
I had to buy An engagement ring,
And i have incredibly poor Taste in jewelry.
I would have preferred just Handing my wife the money.
"Here, will you marry me ?
"No ? How much more ?
Do you take visa ?"
I think the engagement ring is A form of payment, though.
It's a statistical fact that Women who never get married
Live longer Than women who do,
But men who never get married
Don't live as long As men who do.
It's only fair, then,
Some type of compensation Is extended.
"Here, this is for the life
That i'm about to Suck out of you."
I don't think men and women
Can ever communicate That well.
I think women have a better Grasp of language than men.
There are no synonyms in A woman's vocabulary.
Every word has its Own shade of meaning.
"I didn't say that I was mad.
"I said that I was upset.
Maybe you should listen."
Women want men to be More expressive,
More open with our feelings.
Unfortunately, We aren't capable
Of being that sensitive.
We simply aren't equipped With the same
Emotional antennae as women.
Y'know, they got Satellite dishes.
We got coat hangers with Aluminum foil on the tip.
Women are much more Verbal than men,
And it's because We aren't verbal
That we're rarely able to Provide women
With the romantic Dialogue they so desire.
Women should have teleprompters
Mounted on their foreheads.
That way we could read Whatever they wanted us to say
And still almost make Eye contact
And appear sincere.
"Without you my life Has no meaning.
"I am like a bee Without a flower.
( Woman ) Directory assistance.
What city, please ?
In fresno, do you have A listing for
A sharon koppleman ?
That's a "k", like koppleman, "O" like oppleman,
"P" like poppleman, "P" like poppleman,
"L" like loppleman.
No, i'm sorry, sir.
There's no one here Under that listing.
What do you have ?
I've got a rita kombs.
Okay, i'll take that.
There was one exceptional.
Really ? For you ?
Yeah. Who ?
No, i had a girlfriend In college named
Sharon koppleman, who--
She would play my body Like an accordion.
Ooh, i usually Hate accordion music,
But i think i would make An exception.
She was the only woman Who could get me
To hit the "e" Above middle "c".
You know what i mean ? She's good.
* Aiee *
Could you give us A little sample of it ?
Or is it just too late In life or...
Yeah, hold me closer.
Eww !
Here comes the accordion !
So sharon-- she got out Of the music business
And became A holistic healer.
Oh, really ?
Yeah, like many Of her ilk,
She believes in drinking A glass of your own urine
Every day, because it Contains antibodies
That supposedly help Your body fight off disease.
And there is some Kind of medical
Substantiation To that theory.
But of course there's A downside.
Which is ? Pee-pee breath.
Actually i found my Birth certificate.
Oh, that's great.
Where did you end up Finding it ?
It was in my pocket The whole time.
You're kidding me.
No, it wasn't, It was in...
Was it in the shoebox ?
No, it was stuck Between two drawers.
So, ben, what's up With the picture ?
Y'know, dad, if you and sharon Had gotten together,
If you had stayed together,
If you had made it work, Instead of bailed out,
Maybe you would have Been a big folk duet.
There's a million of 'em Out there,
Making bundles of money.
It could have happened.
I'm not saying it Couldn't have happened.
And then we'd be on Some beach house
In one of the "santa" places Out there on the west coast.
Santa malibu ?
Any one of those Small beach towns
That a lot of celebrities Live in.
You know the best thing About being famous ?
What's that ? You're better at parties.
It's a real ice-breaker.
Yeah, you come in, You can say anything.
Everybody laughs.
Everybody wants a piece. That's right.
Everybody sucks up. Yep.
Nobody sucks up to you.
Not now.
But maybe if you two had me, I wouldn't be ben.
I'd be named after Some constellation.
Cassiopeia or orion, The hunter,
Is what you'd call me.
* Benny boy
Okay.
* Benny boy
* I love you Just the way... *
* I... I...
* I...
Wait, let me find A good-- wait--
* I love you Just the way *
* I'd throw it All away *
* I love you
* Just the way
* You are
Oh, that hurts.
Hurts so good.
* Mm-hmm *
We'll take a break, come back In a couple of minutes.
You guys Have been terrific.
I feel uncomfortable Being here.
You know who i hate, Dr. Katz ?
Vietnam vets-- That's who i hate.
What about me ?
Where do i fit Into this ?
What about The draft dodger ?
Nobody ever says anything about The poor draft dodger.
I have post-stress Syndrome-- look at me.
Sometimes late at night i wake Up screaming in a sweat,
Thinking i'm back In a disco in montreal.
My friend marty is always Talking about
The tet offensive.
Hey, i was at woodstock With the rain and the mud
And sha na na.
And i feel horrible About world hunger,
And last night i was watching Sally struthers
And it was really sad.
I was crying.
And what can i do ? What can i do ?
And i saw the 800 number.
And i'm not bragging, But i called the 800 number,
And i said, "listen, you gotta Stop running these commercials.
It's bumming me out."
And i really feel like I did something.
I am against sex education.
You wanna wipe out Teen pregnancy,
It begins at home.
It's the parents' Responsibility
To sit your child down
And teach them shame For their bodies.
Tell your Kids they're fat.
That's my solution.
Every time i see my Children walking around,
I say, "drop a few pounds, You porker !"
They hate themselves,
And i don't have to worry about The boys coming a-calling.
One time i was at This nightclub.
I was just Dancing by myself,
Because i love doing that.
I'll go dancing and i'll be in The middle of the dance floor,
But i'm acting like I'm with someone else
And they're getting My drink.
And every so often i'll look Toward the bar area and wave
Or put one finger up like I'll be there in one minute.
The other thing i'll do is
If people are Dancing in a group,
I'll just sort of act like One of them is my date.
Okay, well, i admit that I have this guy in my life
Who is just a friend
That i also Have sex with sometimes.
Y'know, i don't feel any Shame or guilt about it,
Because i think Everyone has that person--
That person that you just call At 2:00 in the morning
And goes, "Who wants to get laid ?"
And he goes, "i do !"
And then he comes over.
Anyway, one night We had just finished--
You know-- Up ?
Well, we were just Kind of lying there,
And he was doing this thing
Where he was just Lying on the bed
And slowly stroking his chest,
And then he decided To open up to me.
And he said, "Sometimes, you know,
"I just get so mad and i see Stuff on the news
"And i just think--
I can see how you could Murder someone."
And i just turned To him and i said,
"Okay, we should go-- There's traffic."
( Piano playing )
Kathy, you know what The music means.
Our time is up.
( Ben ) Hey, you know What i love ?
You know those songs Where you--
Instead of saying A dirty word at the end,
You change it into--
( Dr. Katz ) Oh, right, right. I love that.
* I was born to Be punished *
* Born to be hurt
* To be stepped on And treated like dirt *
* But my love For you *
* Girl it won't quit
* Even though I know everything *
* You touch turns to
* Shame on you I love that !
* You treated me so--
Oh, man, That gets me every time.
More, more.
* Most other fellers Would just up and go *
* But my love for you
* Girl it won't quit
* Even though i know
* Everything You touch turns to *
* Should have known Better *
Every time-- see ?
'Cause you think You're gonna say--
* So listen to My friend's advice *
* But my love for you
* Girl it won't quit
* Even though i know Everything *
* You touch turns to
* Sheila don't be So blue *
Oh, there you go again !
Yeah.
It doesn't get any Cleverer than that.